“Abandon the Saltire” the Scottish Socialist Party Proposes
Jean-Pierre “Angus” MacHine, the French-born garlic salesman and part-time poet whose unknown Scottish father is believed to have been possibly Angus Hine, a brandy merchant from Leith, has written again to demand an independent Scotland and to call on our support for Colin Fox’s monstrous proposal for the abolition of the Saltire and its replacement with a rainbow flag that will more readily symbolise the diversity of Scottish society in this brave new century.

“Angus” MacHine demands also that the suggestion of Ron McLaren of the Humanist Society of Scotland, to the effect that as Scotland’s flag is 1,000 years old (and is moreover a religious symbol) it should be changed, must now be extended to cover everything deemed to reinforce Scotland’s national identity. Whisky, too, has been around for over 1,000 years and is long past, he says, its “sell-by date” and could so easily be replaced by ethnic saki (whatever that is).

And then there is tartan, the most universally recognised symbol of Scotland, which is in fact just a series of cleverly designed patterns that discreetly hide hundreds of St George crosses to subliminally and thus illegally reinforce religious deference and English subjugation. Tartan must go.

And the Declaration of Arbroath, nearly 700 years old ~ it’s time that was retyped and stored on disk. “Bagpipes, too,” he claims, “may now be outlawed as iPods become more generally available. And then the kilt ~ the elegant bernous will be much more acceptable to members of the ethnic minorities who have made their home in Scotland and who have so much to teach us.”

There are mediaeval abbeys, he reports, whose stones could easily be recycled into temples and mosques. Haggis, which he claims to be made from animals that have been irreligiously slaughtered, must disappear in favour of Chicken Tandoori, and Arbroath smokies in favour of grilled octopus. Scotland’s immoral tourist industry, which actively seeks to perpetuate the country’s outdated identity, must in future be strictly controlled by visa quotas for all seeking to come on visits from countries with disproportionately white populations.

It is only by taking these bold measures, he writes, that Scotland can bury its British image and assert its independence. (He attached a link to a picture of himself participating in some sort of parade, wearing pink jeans, surrounded by rainbow flags, and carrying a banner claiming human rights to marry dolphins.) He promises to write again with more ideas soon, and as we are desperately anxious, naturally, obviously, and as our readers would expect us, to please Colin Fox and the Scottish Socialist Party (SSP), and also Ron McLaren and the Humanist Society of Scotland (HSS), we have responded with a promise to publish them all unedited (as and when space may allow).
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